The Meeting of the Illuminati’s Best-Worst Agents
Philia(Friendship)
By: Candytuft (Nickname)
Hailey Stone, nicknamed Candytuft, was a bright eyed new recruit to the Illuminati. The acquisition of Candytuft had been seen as controversial by many Illuminati Agents.For you see, Candytuft had many defining qualities. She had a bubbly personality. Real go getter attitude. A great desire to be a hot pink female Wolverine with her brand new shiny fist weapons. What Candytuft did not have was an abundance of intelligence. Something Kirsten Geary didn’t have a problem with. Fodder was fodder after all. Mrs Geary simply sent Candytuft to Kingsmouth to connect with another Illuminati agent.
Nicknamed Piggybank, as other agents who were stopping through Kingsmouth or Agartha would simply use Piggybank as extra storage. He had a reputation for being able to carry many things, thanks to his buff physique, but was a known coward. For Piggybank, upon arriving in Kingsmouth 2 years prior, had never left. His time spent there was so extensive the undead and draug no longer bothered him. As if they have become so accustomed to his presence.
Mrs Geary neglected to inform Candytuft of these facts about Piggybank. So off Candytuft went, traveling through Agartha and arriving at Kingsmouth. Taking on the zombies filled with determination. She had yet to come across Piggybank, with his description simply being shirtless in a leather pig gimp mask. Candytuft felt as though that would be something she wouldn’t easily miss.
At first things seemed rather easy for Candytuft. Knife punch a zombie here. Disembowel a zombie there. Easy peasy. Unfortunately for Candytuft it was not in fact easy peasy lemon squeezy. Things quickly took a turn to difficult difficult, lemon difficult.
Such difficulties started at the firehouse. What kind of zombies had axes? What kind of zombies could SWING axes? Her first attempt resulted in her decapitation. Second, full body dismemberment. Third time she could have sworn that one of the Zombies yelled “Here’s Johnny!” before landing its final blow between her shoulder blades.
So there she stood outside of the firehouse yelling profanities.
“YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT ME? I’VE GOT KNIFE FISTS. I’VE GOT THE POWER OF CHAOS. I’M IN A CUTE SUMMER DRESS AND I WONT BACK DOWN.”
This is when Piggybank spotted Candytuft for the first time. This short, girly pink haired woman, Amazon-screaming before running into the firehouse. Piggybank, though a coward, was a gentleman first. He would never leave a young woman by herself in such a dangerous situation. So with hammer in hand, he ran forward, with far less barbaric enthusiasm as Candytuft, to aid the struggling woman.
Now, hammer and fist the two tore their way through the firehouse. Candytuft in absolute delight, and Piggybank heavily concerned. They made their way to the top and finally Candytuft had the last supplies she needed.
With all the joy in her heart, and covered in rancid zombie blood, Candytuft threw her arms around Piggybank to give him the biggest hug.
“Thank you!” She said, eyes lit up with a sparkle.
“You’re welcome…are you okay?” Piggybank responded.
“Never been better!” There was something Primal now in the small pink haired woman’s voice.
“You must be Piggybank!”
“Oh, yes, I can hold your stuff.”
Candytuft blinked at him, “no silly. I’m your new partner! A fellow Illuminati!! Names Candytuft.”
“Oh, I assumed Kirsten forgot about me.”
“Well she didn’t and she assigned us to work together. So come on Piggybank! Let’s get some missions done!”
Candytuft grabbed the man who was twice her size by the hand and began to run out the firehouse. It would here, in this moment, that she would learn one of many very important lessons.
“THE ENEMIES RESPAWN???” She yelled ducking under an axe.
“Yeah things don’t really die here.” Piggybank stated, shrugging off an axe blow.
This would be the next lesson she learned. Piggybank was a tank. This was to Piggybank’s great detriment as he was now assigned first to go in, with fights. Something, up until this point, Piggybank had completely avoided.
“You got this Piggybank. You’re brave! You’re Strong! You got booty shorts and are UNDEFEATABLE.” Candytuft cheered.
“I am strong! I am brave!” Piggybank repeated to himself. “I can not be defeated……OH MY GOD SHE’S NAKED.”
Piggybank closed his eyes, swinging his hammer wildly. “SHE’S TOUCHING ME WITH HER TENTACLES.”
“Don’t worry I will save you.” Candytuft yelled running in. “OH MY GOD, SHE DOES HAVE HER TIDDLYWINKS OUT.”
Reports vary from person to person, but it is known that Candytuft and Piggybank aren’t the most elegant of combatants. In fact most of their fights resulted in yelling and running about like chickens with their heads cut off. That being stated, they did get the job done every single time.
Finally at long last they received the information they needed to move on from Kingsmouth. This came as they stood outside Red’s shack looking at the tunnel that led to The Savage Coast. Their next mission awaited just beyond.
Candytuft forward with confidence but Piggybank stayed shyly behind.
“Are you coming?” Candytuft asked.
“I’ve never left Kingsmouth except to go to Agartha.” Piggybank kicked a rock on the ground. “What if it’s scary?”
‘Piggybank I guarantee you it will be scary. Like 1000% spooky scary. But you know what. I will be there. We will go forward together!” Candytuft said, extending her hand.
Taking her hand Piggybank looked back at Kingsmouth. “What if people need me to drop off their stuff?”
“Screw them. They can find someone else. From now on you aren’t extra storage. You’re a true blue Illuminati agent.”
Piggybank nodded, “YEAH.”
“And we are gonna defeat whatever’s out there!”
“YEAH! Because we’ve got the power of Gaia and Friendship on our side.”
Candytuft lifted up her arm in celebration. “We sure do, buddy. LETS GO.”
Forward they went, enthusiasm and fear at their sides not knowing that this fateful step forward would solidify them as best friends, and the Illuminati’s Best, Worst Agents.