I mean this Isn’t common and just requires a little research of the server before you join,
Usually the more popular private servers have good admins, The one I play on has such an awesome admin, He’s online almost every day, runs updates as soon as he can, He responds on the server discord right away when hes online and essentially is ready to help players with anything from bans on cheaters to small things like helping with stuck thralls or bugs. You can literally @ him in discord and say you are at coords X,Y and have an issue and he will reply teleport to you and help how he can.
I have been so happy on that server and it mainly comes down to having a good admin. There are cheaters and toxic types every you are right, but the difference is on official nothing happens to them and so they stick around, on a server like the ones I play on, they don’t last more than a few days before they get reported investigated and banned. I have seen many people get removed from the server for such things. I can remember one of the most recent times, A group went out and managed to raid a couple players outside of the PvP structure damage times, The admin heard about it, got confirmation from event logs, teleported the players who got raided to the raiders base, then unlocked the chests so the victims could take their stuff back, then explained to the raider why he was doing it. When the Raiders got upset and started trash talking him, (they didnt even try to deny it they were just calling him names and such) he banned them.
You don’t get that kind of service on officials. Sure some Admins are bad apples it happens, but for the most part they are usually pretty dam helpful and awesome, I havent encountered a bad Admin on private yet. As for the dissapearing thing, once again that largely depends on the server you find, Some update announcements regularly. The one I play on you get told before each update, each restart each wipe, the admin even holds votes for if the players feel they need a restart or what have you, so it will all come down to what you find, Some will be the best experience you have had in the game so far and others will be lame, It’s like anything you just need to find the right fit for you.
So I stand by my recommendation, Finding a private server with a good population and an active and helpful admin will be one of the best times you have in this game.
As for the mods issue, there is a filter in the server list XD, you can literally untick “display servers with mods” and it will only list vanilla private servers lol so this really is a non issue. So no don’t just isolate and play by yourself, for some thats what they want and thats fine, but most of us enjoy the social aspect to the game, so find a private server to suite your needs and you won’t regret it.
The one I have been on now for the last few months I chose because it has no raid time during the week, I work full time so don’t get much play time in the week, so this was a perfect match for me and I’m so glad I found it :D.
EDIT: incase anyone is interested in the server I am on currently, It’s called Olympus, it does run the AOC mod and max player level is pushed up to 300, no weekend raid time, but long raid times over the weekend. Admin is a legend and the community is really relaxed. It is PvP and the rates are boosted. It wiped earlier this week so it’s the best time to check it out because no one is established yet. If it sounds interesting then come check it out and say whatsup to the resident Hobo living on there